When it Feels Too Good to be True

I was recently hired for my first freelance blogging job. I’ll share more about the site once I get more immersed in the job. After talking to my new boss on the phone and thinking about the prospect of growing with her business, I had this feeling wash over me. It was a feeling that I have experienced over and over since last November when I participated in NaNo. I had it when I did a single article for Purristan, and when I joined the Stardust Gazette as poetry reader. It came up again when I had my first short story published in the Scribes Anthology and when I joined their editing team. It is a feeling sort of like a sigh of relief, like "Hey, I can feel that I am on the right path, I’m headed in the right direction, it’s all coming together." To some, it might sound silly because the job is only one article a week – for now. But I have learned to trust my intuition.

After getting my Bachelor’s, I went into the psychology field thinking I wanted to be a therapist and I did what I was told I should do....take small jobs to work up to where I wanted to be. (Thankfully, I was rejected when I applied for the Master’s Social Work program.) So I volunteered at an organization that serves those who’ve suffered from domestic violence and then I took a per diem jobs in a mental health organization. Finally I took a full time job as a counselor. The lack of compassion and creation of unnecessary and unnatural boundaries quickly helped me to realize that the field was not for me. Then, I repeated much of the same when I made a move into the education field. This time I took many part-time, grant-funded positions, which meant that even though I held my license, no one saw me as a teacher. So many people reminded me about the proverbial “foot in the door.” I even took several supervisory positions for summer and afterschool programs. Well the door kept slamming on my foot in that field. I just wasn’t there to gossip in the teachers room and I freely spoke up about the fact that testing watered down the education – I guess these things didn’t make me too popular. With both of these fields, even though I knew starting over again would be hard, I trusted my gut. Living inauthentically would be far harder. I was never one to try to fit where I didn’t; I have to let myself be free even if it means taking great risks.

Now, here I am doing what I think I should be doing once again....busting my ass, academic writing, lots of reading, fiction writing, editing, networking, and learning blogging and everything that comes with it. Some people might think that this is just a dream. That my mostly unpaid efforts are all futile. But you know what, this time while I am doing everything I think I should be doing, I have a completely different feeling while I am doing it. I am working harder than I have ever worked in my life yet what I am doing gives me far greater satisfaction than I have ever known. I don’t feel like I’m doing it because I have to, but because this is my natural path to growth. And while all of those other times my gut told me I didn’t belong somewhere, I listened, I will listen now that my gut tells me that I am exactly in the right place at the moment and it is all coming together.

But sometimes there is another voice that creeps in. It asks if this is all just too good to be true. This is a voice I am familiar with too. It’s the same voice that told me writing wasn’t a practical choice way back when I was thinking about college as teenager. When I opted to take three years off after high school the voice told me the same thing when I was 21 and entering community college, and again when I was 24 and moved to a four-year school and had to choose my major. Writing is not a practical way to earn a living, is what that voice told me. And that was the voice I chose to listen to, rather than the one I am listening to now.

I realize that the old voice is self-sabotaging. I mean, sure, I need to earn enough money so that my wife, and cats and I have a place to live and food to eat, but you also can’t sacrifice your spirit. It isn’t as if the practical route ever got me to a place where I was happy and earning enough to live. So when that self-sabotaging voice asks me if this is all too good to be true, I have to remind myself that choosing the logical route never works for me, I can only thrive by following my intuition. Too many people negate the power of intuition – one of the strongest, most ancient gifts we have. I refuse to do that.

I don’t regret my past experiences, even though it meant not coming back to writing until I was thirty-seven. I believe everything happens for a reason. Each adventure I have taken has taught me something beautiful, mostly they all just add up to teach me who I am and what happiness means to me. I’ve been in school for so many years, and I am beyond appreciative for those who still believe in me and where I am headed. Most of all I am grateful to my wife for her support. I can’t listen to that voice that asks if it’s all too good to be true. I am too busy working at my passion and the voice that is singing with joy is much, much louder.

~ Peace and Love, Tracey

© Tracey Love, 2015. All rights reserved.