Death and Rebirth: How I Came Back to Writing

I want to tell you about a defining moment in my life that brought me back to my own spirit, which in turn, brought me back to my writing full force. Writing became my passion when I was fourteen. I was in a dark place, and writing gave me an outlet to process my pain. By the time I was fifteen, and looking at colleges, I knew that writing was what I wanted to do with my life. It didn’t quite work out that way though. Sophomore and Junior years were difficult, and because my grades in high school were less than stellar, I decided I wasn’t smart enough for college. At eighteen I became a nurse’s aide. Luckily, it was through this job that I met a good friend who made me realize how untrue that was – thank you Craig.

Beginning classes at my local community college when I was twenty-one, was one of the best decisions I have ever made. By the end of my first semester, I was in love with learning, though I wouldn’t come to adopt the label scholar until much later. At the community college, I not only found my love of learning, but I found community that helped me grow personally. I became an activist through my work with the Pride Alliance on campus and found the words feminist and witch to define myself through both my involvement with the Women’s Center and some independent study courses that I took. I owe another thank you to Vicki, who became one of my most influential mentors. 

I decided on General Studies at the community college level, and earned my Associates Degree with high honors – something the high school me would have never believed was possible. I went onto a four-year state college and it was then that I had to choose a major. I’d long since been made to believe that following my passion for writing wasn’t practical. I decided that having experienced trauma and depression, and being passionate about feminism, I would major in Psychology and Women’s Studies so I could help other women. When I graduated with my Bachelor’s Degree, I was engaged to my wife, and took an entry-level job as a counselor. My plan was to work for a few years and then attain my graduate degree in clinical social work. It only took a year and a half in that field for me to realize I was not a fit. The so-called “boundaries” that are set up in western society that puts clients on a different level than the therapist just wasn’t something I believed in. My integrity has always been worth more than my earnings.

I went back to school to get my teaching license. I think education is important, don’t get me wrong. But six years of holding a teaching license, several dozen interviews for classroom teaching positions (and rejections), two part-time gigs as support staff, a Master’s in Literacy Education, and a CAGS in Inclusion Education later, I found myself fighting to be in another world in which I didn’t belong. Not only do I believe that wisdom is found in a holistic education that focuses on mind, body, and spirit, I have little faith in an education system that puts greater value on test scores than on human beings.

In August 2013, my wife Michelle and I took a day trip to Salem, Massachusetts. I was standing on the cusp of something big. Having just read Eat, Pray, Love – one of my life-changing reads, I felt energized. I also felt more in touch with my spirit there in Salem than I had in a very long time. It was as I walked along my ancestors’ streets that I got the call. I was unemployed again. Small-town school system politics had pushed me out. My wife stood there listening, ready to comfort me. But I was at peace. Somehow, I just let go in that moment. My usual tendencies to hold on white-knuckled broke away in that moment.

Since then, I have known the best phase of my life. The theme for my life after that moment was one of slowly letting go and positive spiritual growth, which of course meant a lot of pain and fear. I let go of so many negative things, which has created more room for the good stuff. I enrolled in school again – this time working toward a Master’s in English and Creative Writing. I was ready to fulfill the dream I had for myself since I was fourteen –now, I am living that dream as I continue to build myself as a writer every day. I let a piece of me die that day in Salem, so that a new woman could be born.

~ Peace and Love, Tracey

© Tracey Love, 2015. All rights reserved.